all of ME…

Once upon a time, I wrote a blog. I wrote about my day and about my spiritual journey and struggles. When my life changed, I felt odd writing about a life that was now so different. Like a fraud. I quit that blog and created new ones. Specific topic ones. More and more specific topics until I was awash in a sea of unseen blogs. Who am I? This became the main theme of my life. After I didn’t die…when they told me I would, my life took on that huge question. Who am I? Every time I thought I understood, another layer was peeled off of me….or carved off with a sharp knife. I was stripped. Whittled down like a tree branch to a tiny figurine. My tiny figurine then morphed into another and another and I slid down myself into a razorblade puddle of nothing. Of nothing. Nothing. I was nothing. I knew nothing. I understood nothing. All of me was wrong. I wasn’t an artist after all! I wasn’t a writer after all! I didn’t have to complete any of my books because….I was not a writer. Not a mother, not a woman, not a child. The list grew day by day and I cried and raged at the machine of me that was losing oil and was squeaking…..seeking.

I tried so many versions of me….of what I thought I was, thought I wanted. I made websites. I made facebook pages and groups. I didn’t share them. I kept much shame hanging around my neck like a heavy pendant….while my HigherSelf, who hovers now…..witnessed the growth, the change, the destruction, the revolution, the many births of….me. Which is still undone. I am still being birthed. I know not who I am or why I am here. I only know a few things for certain and those are chosen. Chosen beliefs to hold because without them I would lose myself completely and obviously I fear what I seek. To lose oneself completely into the one self would be the ultimate goal I suppose. I fear dissolving. I guess I can equate that with a desire to live. Interesting. Daily my world changes because daily something is shown to me….something that I then recognize, then ponder……throw it around my mind like paint on canvas. Then I reconcile it and I adjust to the new data. I guess I’m becoming rather like a computer as I rise in consciousness. And I do indeed rise my friends. There is not a whit of doubt in my little finger that I am rising. I fall too…..but mostly I rise. MY journey is of rising, not falling. I am a phoenix. I am an iam being. I am one of the iAm race.

I have not been allowed to chart my journey. To keep a record of it like I’ve kept my whole life. No…I must rely on my memory to share my insights and learnings. I decided today that while I no longer raise goats on a ranch while on a spiritual journey……instead, I raise ME….in CostaRica and Texas….while on a spiritual journey. Not that much different. You see, this blog format I created so many years ago….is perfect. It lets me spill all of me. Without censoring for content….within this blog I am just me. Like it or leave it. Granted, the name is MamaSheri….and I can’t change that…but these days, I don’t feel like her. I feel like Sunshine. SUNSHINE. Ya. That’s my name now. If I was to be in the states long enough I’d change it. So guess what….welcome to a blog that’s not perfect. Part poetry or poetryesque, part data, part analysis, part God or Spirit, part Costa Rica, part MotherGod, part Rise of the Feminine….which by the way…my version of that is not the typical. My message is not the norm. It’ll  come out when its needed I guess….cuz I do indeed have a message. OH…..and my other message!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! About the bugs!!! They teach me so much about life…and the people….oh man the people are my teachers. Bigtime. And the curriculum just got interesting. I saw a company trying to promote their freezeproof blanket tents…they were offering 5o free….if you would do this and that and share, yadayada…..and inside this promoted post…..were peoples comments. The comments were all identical. SEND THEM TO STANDING ROCK! That’s the humanity I link myself to….not the killers and evildoers. Nor I’m afraid, the sleeping. I’m no longer trying to wake the masses. I’ve come to the belief that it’s none of my business to interfere in others stories…lessons. I’ll just be me and where that overlaps, that overlaps. Enlightenment is momentary….until the next awareness arrives. So……I’m Back….and I welcome you back.

Here’s the best update….after a one month spontaneous trip to my ranch in Texas that extended to 4 months!!!!…..I have just returned to CostaRica two weeks ago. It’s been an interesting start back into cabina jungle life….but that’s a story for another day. I’m here. Emily is here at the moment too. There is a hurricane on the way in a day or so but she’s going for medicina…and I don’t feel called, so I’ll be alone then. Hmmm. I dislike being alone. Learned that for sure.  So once again upon a time……mamasheri SUNSHINE…had a blog, everywhere that Sunshine went, a camera was sure to go. EeeEye eeeEye Oh.

PS.. I’m out of space on WordPress for photos….jeesh.  If I decide to pay $3.00 a month…I guess you’ll start seeing photos here…





One thought on “all of ME…

  1. Pingback: hmmm… | MamaSheri's Blog

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